So… you’ve gotten back with your ex and you have no idea what is happening in your life. I told you not to go back!!!

This dangerous spiral happens when you think you’re in control of “bad love” situations. Guess what? You aren’t. A little hormone called oxytocin has taken over your brain.

This hormone is a drug – make no mistake – and is the primary compound responsible for bonding. It’s what makes you hug, kiss, reproduce, and drive past their house ten times in one night.

In a break up, this hormone is not your friend. It will cause you to do insane things. That’s why you need distance.

Normally Ron Swanson (see my Parks & Recreation break-up advice post) is the type of man I’d love to go on a date (or five) with.

He can craft furniture with his bare hands, probably smells like gasoline and old spice, likes his whiskey neat and steak rare, and can fix your sink better than a plumber.

But even the epic mustached specimen of manliness that is Ron Swanson becomes a love junkie amped up on oxytocin with Tammy II and so will you.

Right now you’re high on oxytocin. You can’t possibly believe that this person who you know so well, this person with whom you want to meld your body and soul with, could actually ever harm you.

Your lover will harm you, again.

They don’t know the meaning of playing nice. They’ll take a perverse delight in dissembling your life, judgment,and your ability to think rationally without you even realizing it.

This person is the devil you know.

I know you can’t get enough of your own Tammy II. You feel powerful with your version of Tammy II. Your Tammy II charms the pants off of you; they know how to work you and everything is about how they make you feel.

But your Tammy II doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Getting what they want comes at the expense of your emotional well-being.

You should know better by now. You’ve been down this road before and like Cinderella you’ll wake up with a torn dress, in bed with a pumpkin.

Welcome to your destroyed life, part two.

Friends Don’t Let Friends Go Back

If you’re lucky enough to have even just one friend that truly cares about you, willing to take on the dysfunctional freak show that is your twisted break up, then treasure that friend.

You should probably even buy them dinner once a month. Or send them a bottle of wine. Ahem.

Do yourself a favor and dial them instead of Tammy II. They may get annoyed, they may scream at you, they may even shake you a little. But they love you. They truly have your best interest at heart.

They might even get attacked by your version of Tammy II. Remember whose side you’re on. It’s their side not Tammy II’s.

When they’ve pulled you out of the fire and the lust high finally wears off, you’ll start to think clearly again.

When you do, realize that they’ve saved you from countless years of therapy and heartache, invite your friend over, pop open a bottle of Shiraz, and thank them for their break up advice.

After all, you needed to make sure that your ex stays an ex.