Emperor Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as tribute to his deceased wife. He described the Taj in these words:

Should guilty seek asylum here,
Like one pardoned, he becomes free from sin.
Should a sinner make his way to this mansion,
All his past sins are to be washed away.
The sight of this mansion creates sorrowing sighs;
And the sun and the moon shed tears from their eyes.
In this world this edifice has been made;
To display thereby the creator’s glory.

Every time I see photos of the Taj Mahal, it makes me smile at the depth of love a man felt for a woman during a time (1600’s) when they were little more than property. It makes me love him a little. ♥

This photo is the Taj Mahal as photographed by Samuel Bourne in 1865.  Beautiful, isn’t it?

What happened to love that inspired the building of monuments? The writing of sonnets? The painting of a masterpiece?

Where are the grand gestures, damn it?

I want an ear! Why did women in times of no medical care to speak of and lacking so much as a sterile gauze pad warrant an ear? You know what I get as a “grand gesture” – not of love but of wanting to get in my pants – I get cock shots.  All ages, sizes, locations, and activities. Trimmed ones, bushy ones, some have big balls, some have little ones…all are happy to know they are being sent to entertain me and primp for the occasion.

I’ve gotten some from “the bathroom at my office” and others from “my wife’s sister’s house” a strange number taken in garages and still far more taken in cars.

That’s what I get? Really? Not a whole lot of thought goes into:

Pull pants down, wank like a lunatic until hard (quietly lest someone catch me), snap grainy pic with cell phone or laptop, save (because I’ll have to send these new ones to all the people who hold their breath waiting for them), wank until the job is done (mess…shit…tissues, bugger!) as I imagine the erotica author’s overwhelming delight and state of excitement when she receives my photo.  How she will stop wrangling house, teenagers, pets, and put dinner on warm so she may release the sexual tension the picture of my penis will inspire! Oh yes, yes, yes!

Uh, no. Actually, I chuckle as I save it to a special folder on my computer. I then forward the picture to my two best friends (without a name) so we can take turns dissecting the “ambiance” of the shot. The ones that bore us get deleted. The ones that inspire a story based on what was said, where it was taken, or exactly what is happening IN the photo – I save.

Sad, sad news flash: I have never masturbated to them. Nope, not once. I’m sorry.

So – my version of the Taj Mahal is the receipt of random penises.  To make myself feel better, I’ve composed my own Ode to the Cock Shot.

When the nasty seeks distraction and release,
One exposed yet in hiding, he caresses his skin.
The sinner causes his penis to stand to attention,
The “take” photo button pressed just in time,
The sight of this straining member will bring sensual sighs;
And the receiver of my photo will be unable to hold back.
Her sexual fulfillment, by my photo has been made;
All hail my display of the twig and berry’s glory.

Anywho.  Don’t do that.  It’s gross and pointless since most penises look the same to women in a photo. Also, we’re much harder to stimulate than that.  Bo-ring.

Word to the wise: when you start to pull your clothing away and take out your penis for a little “you and him” time…if there is an inner voice that whispers, “you should totally take a pic of your johnson” – ignore that voice.  In fact, step away from your home and go outside.  You’ve obviously been spending too much time A) alone and B) scrolling Tumblr.

If you take it and send it to me…I’m going to laugh at you.  Even if you’re hung like a horse.  Even if you’re the “Michelangelo’s David” of penises, the “Romeo & Juliet” of penises, the “Beethoven’s 9th” of penises, the “you just won an all-inclusive trip to the Superbowl” of penises.  Even then…

I am still going to laugh at you.

Please note…the author does not really want an ear. Please, in the name of all that is holy, do not start whacking off body parts willy-nilly!  She is not, however, averse to a dirty limerick or two (sans cock shots…she has as many of those as any woman needs in a lifetime).  *wink*

By Shayne McClendon

Shayne believes love crosses all boundaries, social castes, races, genders, and belief systems. If you are lucky enough to find soul-deep love, you should fight for it. She currently lives in Oklahoma wrangling teenagers, opening doors for her pets, and running her content writing company.